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9. Vesa Toskala actually has a good start to the season but gets injured. The Monster and Joseph MacDonald take over and finish the job. Toskala stays in touch with fans during his rehab and gets a job on the ACC grounds. According to the sign, things are “Nipperlicious”.

8. Stalberg  starts off strong but finishes his rookie year with under 20 goals. Wendel Clark’s leaf rookie record of 34 goals remains in tact and untouchable.

7. Lee Stempniak, and Jamal Mayers get traded for draft picks to help make up for what was lost for Kessel. Mayers and Stempniak both go back to St. Louis.

6. Brian Burkie opts to remove his name from Burkie’s Dog House and in an odd twist, Martha Stewart steps in and offers the first hot dog that feeds an entire row at the ACC.

5. Maple Leafs set a new record for the number of opposing players hospitalized throughout the season. Most teams begin to carry defibrillators on the bench when visiting the ACC.

4. The Monster plays in +40 games and proves to be the real deal and only occasionally using the aforementioned defibrillators to keep it real. His second heart surgery of the season administered through his urethra is deemed a success.

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3. Hagman has a career year and scores +30 goals. Also begins a promising career in his spare time as a tuxedo catalogue model for Tip Top Taylors.

2. Mats Sundin trains all season, plays in the Olympics and signs with the Leafs for one final shot at the cup. After realizing that he’s still got love for the leafs and things outside the rink didn’t really turn out, he makes his bid to become a part of leafs history, returning to the buds to drive them to a second round exit from the playoffs.

1. Jason Blake gets some sleep.

I attended my first NHL hockey game at the Gardens (Leafs vs. Blackhawks) when I was about 8 years old. I got autographs from my favorite players at that very same game in a side corridor where most of the players came to the rink through (Clark, Leeman, and a few others that I can’t recall). I remember going to the last game between the Leafs and Canadiens that was ever played at MLG too. Rocket Richard dropped the puck. Mats was on a line with Steve Thomas, Cujo was on his game, and no disrespect to Burkie’s Dog House, but the dogs were second to none. I was at an age where I was very embarrassed when my dad sang the anthem out loud but back then it seemed like there was still an air of respect and history in attending a leaf game. It was old school.

Inspired by an article that my sister sent me today from the Toronto Star showcasing some old pictures of Maple Leaf Gardens, I did some digging. Here is a limited MOLSTAR communications video called “The Passion Returns” featuring the 92-93 Leafs. Very epic. Even has credits at the beginning, “Starring: Cliff Fletcher, Pat Burns, Doug Gilmour, Wendel Clark (the beard of a god), Felix Potvin, and the ‘rest of the Leafs’”. As well, I found some pics from the past, present and future.

Great shots of MLG at the start and end of this clip

Built in 1931 – Notice the lack of downtown…..

Andre the Giant at MLG

Wendel Clark killing people (Notice Marty McSorely getting beaten as an Oiler. Wendel went on to beat Marty mercilessly on every team that Marty ever played for. Marty had nowhere to run.)

After the last game was played but before they ripped out the seats

Present

MLG Escalator

Harrold Ballard's Box

Lights that used to illuminate the rink

More from the Toronto Star

The Future – Loblaws planning to build a facility with Ryerson University that is part sports complex and part grocery store….classy.

Awww. Why so sad?

Again, I’m not a mean person so I do feel bad in calling these players ‘shitty’ but if you asked 100 leaf fans, I would be really impressed if a single one thought Raycroft was worthy of wearing a howling wolf t-shirt let alone a Leafs jersey.

There’s no question that at one point Raycroft was a solid NHL goaltender. But after that one good year in Boston (he won a nice shiny trophy, 29 / 57 games and had a good save percentage) everything went downhill pretty steadily .

Check out his cat-like reflexes here when he’s caught on camera having a nap on the bench.

Do I need to continue?

Despite having the record for most wins during a regular season by a leafs goalie (37 in 72 games), Raycroft was super frustrating to watch. Some nights you got a decent goalie. Other nights, you’d be better of heating up hot pans in the oven and seeing what temperature you could handle removing them from the oven without mitts.

How about that ‘must win’ game a few years back against Montreal where J.S Aubin had to relieve him of duties and he was basically in tears on the bench? Thanks for showing up to the big game.

Best of luck Vancouver. Robert Louis (Roberto Luongo) will probably play 80 / 82 games so if you’re looking for a really expensive practice goalie, congrats. Here’s a video of him in practice taking 6 shots from the slot (because that’s a skill all goalies need) and collapsing into a coma. Amazing.

Instead, I kept my ear to the ground and learned that Brian Burke would be hosting a Meet n Greet at Future Shop and that there was also an online interactive webcast component to it. Props to Future Shop.

Was very cool to be watching by video stream and then have the moderator ask Burke some questions and callout Good Hustle. I knew the hot dog topic would get some traction as most people would be asking about Kadri etc. but I also was pretty skeptical that any of my questions would get used (hence the ridiculousness and trying to break through the clutter). Glad I was wrong. Here were my questions:

(All Brian Burke quotes summarized)

Q: Hi Brian, what’s the deal with your players and Twitter. Are you cool with them using it?

BB: Basically doesn’t use Twitter. Says that’s for his kids to use. Does acknowledge that it’s the wave of the future and is working with MLSE to develop a policy for the players (Leafs and Raptors) to abide by. He does admit to being addicted to his handheld device and even using it on the subway where there is no service. 

Q: Hi Brian, if “Dancing with the Stars” gave you the callup, would you report to camp?

BB: Not answered. Dancing and pugnacity don’t mix well. 

Q: Hi Brian, good hustle in revamping the Leafs <manly bum tap>. What’s your favorite hot dog at Burkie’s Hot Dog House?

BB: After a long winded answer, BB concedes that he wishes he was never a part of the Burkie’s Dog House hot dog stand at the ACC. Says other GM’s make fun of him. Finally admits that his favorite is the bacon wrapped , cheddar doggie. He concedes that this may not be a healthy choice and I’d have to agree.  

Q: Hi Brian, what’s the difference between plasma & LCD? Should I stick with a veteran brand or go no-name?

BB: Despite being at Future Shop, BB did not answer this question. I thought this was a clever tongue-in-cheek poke at how veterans and rookies might fare at Leaf camp but alas, no love. 

Q: Hi Brian, great game last night. Can you please comment on the rumors of inviting Wendel Clark to camp?

BB: Not answered. It was mentioned that Wendel and Ian White were at the store previously promoting NHL 10 and the Magnum P.I dvd series. Some guy in the crowd asks about Felix Potvin at one point and there is a strange awkward silence from everyone. Burke goes on to explain his respect for Potvin but holds his cards close and does not address the Clark rumors. Wise. 

Q: Hi Brian, Just finished watching seasons 1 – 5 of Felicity. Straight. I recommend picking them up in FS today if u have time.

BB: No answer from BB here. A little surprised that this was not acknowledged as I would’ve been curious to know whom he liked better, Noel or Ben? (Damn you Ben, stop playing with Felicity’s emotions!)

Q: Bacon cheddar wrap sounds good. Out west I haven’t heard much about Allison. How’s he look?

BB: Not answered and not surprised. Saying Allison has no chance in hell and is slow as shit probably wouldn’t have gone over well. 

Q: We hear the term “depth chart” in camp, what factors make up a persons ranking?

BB: After a long winded answer BB equated a gorgeous female singer in concert getting all the attention from the audience but said that the show can never start until the tuba player in the back takes his seat. Epic. In all seriousness, I was actually keen to hear how a player is ranked on the depth chart but I didn’t quite get the details I was looking for. I think Ian White is our tuba player though. The music just wouldn’t be the same without him. 

Q: Will you be involved in the team building experience up to Huntsville?

BB: Not answered. BB doesn’t go to parties because he is the party. 

Q; If Sundin trained all year, would u consider looking at him as a playoff booster?

BB: Not answered. I think Burke may have enough Swedes to worry about at this point although I’ll stick to my prediction that Mats will play this year for Toronto in the playoffs. You laugh now, but just wait.

Aaaaaand cut.

Questions that were not answered by Mr. Ulmer today in case you were curious:

- Agree or disagree, Wendel Clark was the toughest son of a bitch to ever lace up the skates?

- Why is there no love for Ian White? He improves every year, can play forward and D, stepped up for Kaberle when he was hurt, and has a great little Wendel Clark stache? Where is the love Mike? Where the fuck is it?

- Dr. Ulmer, regarding Gustavsson, can you explain how a heart ‘ablation’ requires surgery in the groin? Does Gustavsson have a super wide urethra or what?

Notice how Komisarek picks up Staal’s broken body from the ice and begins to start the meat grinder on his face? This is pretty vintage Clark stuff.

Mike Komisarek has yet to play a regular season game with the leafs but I like the cut of his jib. If you’re listening Mike, here are some things that will help you gain the respect of leaf fans.

- Purchase a 1980′s Pontiac. Maybe something like this:

- Then go hit something with it and keep driving. Make sure the front left quarter panel is mangled to shit. Never change the oil in it or attempt to wear a seatbelt.

- Always chew an extra thick toothpick.

- Power mullet, mandatory.

- Contact Bryan Adams and get him to write a hockey anthem for you.

- Head to toe denim, mandatory.

- Proceed to destroy opponents (looks like you’re on track in that department).

- Don’t bother with the handlebar moustache though. You’ll just look like a poser.

That said, I clearly have a passion for my team but wholeheartedly can admit and aim to showcase, some of our most shitty players from over the years.

Today’s focus: Cory Cross

At first I thought, its a bit mean to label him as a shitty player. I mean, its been a while since I had a strong hatred for him so perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. Then I started to look for images of him. Basically there are none. Now I’m upset at him again. Totally his fault obviously.

Fine. I’ll see if I can find a video of him giving the puck away, causing a goal, being beaten in a foot race, or just being shitty. Wrong again. Basically there are 2 videos of Cory Cross on youtube. One, he’s on the Red Wings wailing away on Steve Ott’s skull. No good. And the other video, is of course his OT goal against Ottawa in 2001, a pretty sweet shot off the post and in.

So for this, I apologize if I’m being mean. Maybe he wasn’t that bad. I just remember cringing every time he got the puck and seeing him on the ice when the leafs goalie is sadly scooping the puck out of the net. Not strengthening my argument, I learned that in his 3 seasons with the leafs he was +7, +13, and +11. Hmmm. Well, after being shopped from team to team at the end of his career for “refusing to adapt to the new NHL,” his last statistics show that he played for the Hamburg Freezers in Germany. That has to count for something.

So here, I will post Cory’s only decent youtube clip. I’m not happy about it. This has actually turned into a rather shitty example of a shitty leaf. Whatever. I DID however discover something that made me LOL. Maybe even ROFL.

DWIGHT K SCHRUTE was the GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs at the time of Cory’s big goal. OMG. Who knew!?

Look at this picture:

And now look at 1:15:

Stunning.

LW – Dave Andreychuk

C – Doug Gilmour

RW – Wendel Clark

Wendel got 46 goals that year. Andreychuk had 99 points and Dougie had 111. Probably the best line in NHL history. They combined for 54 points in 18 games in the playoffs that year and if it wasn’t for fucking Kerry Fraser and that missed high sticking call, it would’ve been the Leafs and Habs in the Stanly Cup final. Die Wayne.

2001-02

LW – Gary Roberts

C – Mats Sundin

RW – Alexander Mogilny

One of the few highlights in recent memory. Pretty simple formula here. Gar-Bo playing with 94 octane Chevron with TecRon as spinal fluid would smash another man to death in the corner, Mats would take the puck with his massiveness, move out from behind the net, fire a pass that was harder than most NHL caliber defencemen’s shots to Mogilny who was able to use a cloaking device and magically appear unmarked at the side of the net. Was there a better feeling than watching Patrick Lalime of Ottawa get dominated by these guys?

1985 – 86

LW – Wendel Clark

C – Russ Courtnall

RW – Gary Leeman

All 3 of these boys came from the same Saskatchewan highschool. Wendel bailed hay with his bare hands, Russ sat on his dad’s lap and drove the tractor, and Gary was experimenting with wheat flavored beverages when skipping shop class. Leeman would later be traded to Calgary for Doug Gilmour among others. Wendel Clark would later strip Mike Tyson of the World Heavyweight Championship, knocking him out in 2 seconds. Not sure what happened to Russel.

2009 – 10

RW – Phillip Joseph Kessel Jr.

C – Tomas Kaberle / Mats Sundin

LW – Jason Blake

The new NHL speaks to speed and skill compared to any of the Wendel Clark lines above that were built on skill and the ability to kill men with bare hands. Remember Sergei Berezin? Remember him ever passing the puck? That’s what will happen if Grabovski center’s this line. No more Marc Savard for you Phillip! We don’t work that way in T.O.BUT, we do have an overabundance of defencemen and a patient playmaker with Kaberle. You can have him Phillip.

Why did I put Mats Sundin in there? No, I’m not going to fool myself into thinking he’s signing with the team anytime soon, but mark my words, he will train throughout the entire season and make himself available to the Leafs come playoff time. Burke will pick him up for nothing and add him to the roster for Mats to have one final magical run with the buds. I don’t care if he can’t keep up. He can win faceoffs and is a moose in the corners. Plus he’s clutch in OT’s. Plus he’s Mats. Plus he’s got a great skull. Right up there with Mark Messier and Patrick Stewart.

Yes, Colton Orr wears Domi’s old number 28 and can skate much better and evidently start a good lawnmower. Yes, Komisarek and Beachemin look like solid rocks out there. Yes, Jason Allison looks old and out of place. Yes, we’re probably not going to see Kadri make the NHL (Why do reporters keep asking if he’ll make the team? Seriously. He’s scored 1 goal.). But all of this has me worried. Remember when the leafs won their first 10 games of the season, like 8 years ago maybe? Ok, Google tells me that that actually didn’t occur but I specifically remember thinking that we were going to never lose a game that year. We did and I felt shame. Where am I going with all this? Basically I just hope that they aren’t peaking too early. I haven’t seen any bits on where the exact parade route is going to be taking place in Toronto but there’s been a lot of talk about these 7 game series called “Playoffs” and I think it’s a little premature. Remember when Paul Maurice said “We will make the playoffs and compete for the Stanley Cup”? Yeah, that didn’t turn out so well did it?

Anyway, here’s a quick breakdown of some of the fisticuffs from last night:

0:04: Colton Orr nearly kills a man. Immediately upon realizing that there is not a dead body on the ice after the hit, his first instinct is that someone will be attempting to murder him. Good call.

0:46: Standard issue power elbow to knock a man down during a fight. This move was coined by Captain James T. Kirk back in the 60′s and still works well in the NHL today.

1:48: Leaf beating. That looks like what I envision Bindi Irwin to fight like.

1:55: This was new for me. I’d never seen a man actually try to rip another man’s brain from his skull. Allison, despite his shortcomings in the speed department, seems to have found a new fighting strategy. Might be due to discovering 3 years ago that throwing punches was not like Palmolive and soft on hands.

3:19: Exelby’s face has some strawberry sauce on it I think. Either that or he’s bleeding.